I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Same goes for his family out in Queens. That said, I think the LW should just talk to her boyfriend. It doesnt scream big problem to me. And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. . Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. So why are you still with him? No, not necessarily. Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. ReginaRey And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. LW, what everyone else said. Have you tried just not going? It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. She should say something about it to the BF at least. And would you make someone feel bad because they have something else to do? I can see his point about just sitting around the house so get out and be a tourist in your hometown. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. Okay okay. lets_be_honest You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. But it sounds like they like things just the way they are. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. Dont necessarily agree with this.. For example, if he goes there during the day, has lunch with them, and then comes home and spends time with her, I dont think that is such a bad arrangement. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. But, youre not single now. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. lets_be_honest Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. if the LWs learn this, we will have to find another source of entertainment, findingtheearth I absolutely love his family to death, but there are some boundary issues. In my experience, though, it seldom works. You cant expect your husband to not want to see his family, and you shouldnt. also, go on Pinterest and put in cheap date ideas. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. Pretty much. He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. January 4, 2021, 3:41 am. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Heck, some people are just like that. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. If they cant spend an entire weekend apart, its dysfunctional. some of my siblings and their significant others would come only for lunch and head out, sometimes theyd stay longer, etc etc. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. Husband thinks spending Christmas Day just us then dividing the rest of the following week between families is a Ok, fine, I do this. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. At the center, authority figures in a power position, you typically have parents or other guardians. Ooo, I might try that out this summer, that looks fun! ele4phant I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. And next weekend. Plan a trip to visit your family. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. The LW just needs to talk it over with the boyfriend and agree with what works for both of them. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. Thatll probably shut them up. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. Id never visit my parents alone while he was in town, but sometimes wed go there for coffee and a meal. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. June 18, 2014, 12:53 pm. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Ann Cannon. If you feel like youre not the priority, then you almost certainly arent. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Lindsay January 20, 2012, 9:54 am. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. What I dont agree with, personally, is doing it interrogation style. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Like, I just went to The Niagara falls of Pennsylvania it was no Niagara but a nice day trip. If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. June 18, 2014, 11:51 am. If he still caves, or prefers spending time with parents rather than exploring the city with LW, then at least LW will have determined exactly where she stands and be able to make the appropriate decision about whether or not to stay with bf. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung January 20, 2012, 8:23 am. And if they live together. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Melissa Melms, who lives with her fianc in Hoboken, New Jersey, says making time for herself amps up her happiness, which in turn benefits the relationship. But Im a very direct, honest, forthright, loud kind of person. Maybe Im wrong, but the fact that he needs to be there every weekend (although what is significant amounts of time?) Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Laura Hope January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. bittergaymark If they had more time during the week to spend together after work, maybe spending most of the weekend with the in-laws wouldnt be such an issue. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Doesnt he want her to be happy, or is his happiness all he really cares about? Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. If youre not into the family bit, I would suggest not dating someone who completely is. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Honestly, if my only options after being away for so long are sit at home or visit with people where things are happening, I would choose the later. They used to spend time in the city before living together and now nearly every weekend with his family. In a healthy child/parent relationship, the cord needs to be cut before the child can become an adult and have his own family. And I think this is the case here. Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. June 18, 2014, 12:46 pm. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. It is what they like to do. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. In this situation, with a fairly long commute, this guy is devoting if not the entire weekend to seeing his parents, then at least a huge chunk of it. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. But come on, man! When you talk to your boyfriend about your concerns be careful that it is not perceived as an ultimatum, just that you would like to discuss other options of things to do on the weekend. A conversation like that could end up being a red flag for HIM that you did not intend. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. 1. I agree with the expenses. Just want to put my two cents in: I think its all about communicating. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. So many people spend a ton of time with family. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. What about visiting your parents? Your husband wants you tospend every holiday with his parents, and he doesnt even ask you what you want. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. He likely will turn into the bf, or if they marry the husband, who is the stay-at-home couch potato, while LW pines for outside the home activities. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. This is how children are taught. Its completely free, gets you out of the house, and we leave our phones in the car so no chance for parent interruption! And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. June 18, 2014, 12:47 pm. GatorGirl Francine Im in the same situation as well. Hey, were in 100% agreement today, as opposed to 80%. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. allathian All rights reserved. silver_dragon_girl Well. GatorGirl lets_be_honest Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. June 18, 2014, 11:28 am. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Bagge72 They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. Even with stuff planned, spending time with his daughter, etc., he still prefers to spend his free time at his parents home. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). It sounds like you and your bf just have different thoughts about how often to see family, and you need to talk it out and come to a compromise. January 20, 2012, 9:33 am. LW, you are not being unreasonable! Make sure that you are sensitive to your husband and your in-laws. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? ForeverYoung My husband works 60 hours a week 5-6 days a week, until around 9 every night. I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Maybe pick out a day once a weekend which is just couples time (hate the term date night). Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. Also, make plans with friends. 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