I get wet before you do. 68 Hilarious Santa Jokes for the Holidays (Ho, Ho, Ho! Give it to me! Did you know about the hole in the walls of houses in the nudist colony? Whats the difference between kinky and perverted? The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. Im so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.Whats the difference between a job and marriage?A job still sucks after 10 years.If you were born in September, its pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.What are the three shortest words in the English language?Is it in?Why do women talk so much and why do guys think so much?Because one has two lips and one has two heads.Why does a woman prefer an old gynecologist over a new one?Because the old one has shaky hands.Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?Because they wont stop to ask directions.Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel.What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Faster than your opponent is everyones goal. And Seal doesnt have one at all. How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. Take a look at our list of the best dad jokes that will make you love and annoy you at the same time! Ill never look at beef stroganoff the same again! Have you ever been a victim of a silent fart? USA A: HalfwayI didnt have sex at all, not a scrap til I was 67. We hope you enjoyed our article about faster than and funny quotes, one liners, and sayings. 26. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? document.addEventListener( 'DOMContentLoaded', function() { So for once, lets just get together and enjoy some of the best dirty jokes served chill with a glass of beer (or milk). 6. One hundred dollars. Do you know what that means?The boyfriend says, Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.How can you tell if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.Why cant you hear rabbits making love?Because they have cotton balls.A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say . Funny Videos in YouTube A man comes home carrying a bouquet of flowers. No bacon because he kicked the pig and no milk because he kicked the cow too. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? Such kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyones face or could crack them up in a knotty situation. Anal makes your hole weak.Whats the difference between a microwave and a woman?A man will actually press and pull a microwaves buttons and knobs.How is playing bridge similar to sex?If you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?Thanks for coming!Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?To get to the bottom.Did you know about the hole in the walls of houses in the nudist colony?The police are looking into it.Whats the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?Two Test-ticklesWant to know how to fit 71 people in the car?2 in the front while we handle 69 in the back.What do a gay man and an ambulance have in common?They both take it in the back and go whoot whoot.How is a thunderstorm similar to sex?You never know how many inches you will get or how long it will last.Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?They dont have balls to scratch.Ill admit it, I have a tremendous s*x drive. The third one, a blonde remarked cant wait to see my puppies! boy oh boy. They're always on the lookout for a tight seal. How do you embarrass an archaeologist? A: When Hillary is out of town. Girls on their periods always ovary act. If circumcision is done poorly and cheaply, what do you call that?-a bloody rip-off, #24. A farmers boy woke up and went to the kitchen to get breakfast. Riddles Don't worry about apologizing for your raunchy sense of humor here. My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude. Lie to me! The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again.". "If we don't get some support, people will think we're nuts. What did the guy say when he got caught playing with himself to an optical illusion? He goes to the pigsty and when one pig knocks him, he knocks it back. It feels great when you blow it and if youre not careful, it may drip. Sense of Humor 24. #2. Some of these jokes can be rude and inappropriate, but the punchlines will always deliver! Discover these short dirty jokes and get a good chuckle. No matter the setting, these 50 hilarious, unsavory jokes are never entirely appropriate. Jesus - he couldn't have been Irish. How can you tell if your husband is dead? #6. Thanks! Credit: Pixabay / janeb13. Do you know why a witch never wears panties? The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. - 23 Mar 2022. Some of us are more deviant than others. Vehicle What comes after 69?Mouthwash.Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one. After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!" What am I?A last nameI am dirty, I love being filled with wood, but someone only goes down on me once a year. #5. 17. So he gives it to her.If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they cant have a headache and sex at the same time?I come in different sizes, shapes and colors. Did you hear about the constipated accountant? Fall Catch a glimpse of these filthiest dirty minded jokes with answers and make sure to share these dirty riddles for a naughty mind with your friends at the upcoming slumber party and enjoy the night. Australia there were three men holding hot dogs.they were all a different size..:D. What do you call a wh**e with a runny nose? Required fields are marked *, You need to agree with the terms to proceed. As far as dirty jokes go, we can safely say that size doesnt matter. It is cheap fast, and if the rubber breaks, youre pretty much screwed. Except me mammy, of course!". While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." 2. 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side, 155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech, 160 Hilarious Wife Jokes to Spark Joy in Your Marriage, Short Dirty Jokes That Will Make You Laugh, 150 Hilarious Train Jokes to Engineer Laughs on Your Face, 150 Hilarious Tree Jokes to Fresh Your Mind, 152 Hilarious Wine Jokes to Make Conversation More Enjoyable, 151 Hilarious Tomato Jokes That Are So Juicy. Im taking this shit to a whole new level.2 men went 2 a callgirl.1st went in and came out n said: Na my wife is better.2nd went in and came out n said: U R right ur wife is much better.What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?A beaver dam!It goes in hard and dry and comes out soft and wet. What is it?A bubblegum. #29. Ill admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. 38. Africa What would you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt? Whats the best help you can give to a constipating person? Paddy brags, "You know, I've had every woman in this town. What is it?A nose.My wife gave me a handjob the other day using Vaseline. Feel free to send us something you have in mind. That is why we had to share our favorite, SFW Dirty Jokes (You May Even Tell Your Kids). Why are snails slow? Lets keep the list going with the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns. 145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor. Wanna take the joke a little far? Check out our collection of articles full of tips, tricks, and ideas to help get the conversation flowing! He becomes instantly apologetic and says, Im so sorry. Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? One says to the other: I cant believe I blew fifty bucks in there. } else { The dentist said, I think you have the wrong room. You put in my husbands teeth last week, she replied. I mostly live in your pants and I am always in your mind, you cannot live without me. But he is wrong. Whats the best portion of your body to put into a pie? What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married? Whos the most popular guy at the nudist colony?The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.I asked my partner if I was the only one, shes/hes been with.She/he said, Yes, the others were at least sevens or eightsYou should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit?A zit will wait until youre twelve before it comes on your face.Hair on the top and hair on the bottom, in the middle a wet slit, what is it?The eye.People keep asking me if I helped elect the booger.I keep telling them he wasnt my pick.Do you know why a witch never wears panties?More grip on the broom.If a woman sleeps with 10 men shes a slut, but if a man does it Hes gay, definitely gay.What would you call a hooker with her hand up her skirt?Self-employedWhats the difference between a Greyhound terminal and a lobster with boobs? If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off? Id rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth, the woman told her dentist. navigator.sendBeacon('https://www.google-analytics.com/collect', payload); Words you have invented. Whats the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush.What goes in hard and comes out close and wet?Chewing gum.A guy is sitting at the doctors office. I personally am on the fence. "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. Beef strokin' off. READ THIS NEXT: 183 Jokes For Kids That Provide Good, Clean Fun. the wife can figure out a way to spend it. Im so wet, give it to me now! She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?A glad-he-ate-her.How can you tell if your husband is dead?The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.Sex is like playing Bridge if you dont have a good partner, you better have a good hand.What do boobs and toys have in common?They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.What did the elephant ask the naked man?How do you breathe out of that thing?Why didnt the toilet paper make it across the street?It got stuck in a crack.Whats worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?Finding out it was traced.What does being born in September mean?Well, it means your parents started the year with a bang.Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?A washing machine doesnt follow me home after I dump a load in it.My girlfriend thought Id be a pushover in bed, and wouldnt you know it, she had me pegged from the start.How do you embarrass an archaeologist?Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!What did the man say to the police officer who told him, Anything you say can and will be held against you?Boobs! "Yes" responds the woman with a big smile. Busier than a fox in poultry. 1. You mean you dont have a vase?, #14. Grandpa pulls out a cigarette and the conversation continues like this: Little Johnny: Can I have a puff, grandpa? My dad asked me for Vaseline but instead, I gave him super glue. Whats the difference between oral and butt intercourse? The wife says, I suppose Ill spread my legs now. The husband remarks, why? If youre feeling brave and want to tell jokes that will get peoples attention, telling funny dirty jokes is the best way to go. "Well then," says Seamus. Funny Comebacks to Say In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks? Thats so aggressive! Your head. I discharge loads from my shaft. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. And that was cos Id no small change for the window cleaner.All men have it. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?Hold on to your nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob.What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep shit.Did you hear about the constipated accountant?He couldnt budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?The wedding ring.Whats the difference between a prince and a booger?A prince is an heir to the throne. Now the folks down the river are having real trouble with hard waterhaha. Grandpa answers proudly; Yes, it can. They both need to be hard to work properly. I look back as an adult and I think, Oh, she obviously wanted to empower me to find my own pleasure. It had the exact opposite effect there is no way you can enjoy yourself with a man between your legs if youre thinking, Hmm, Mumd be proud.The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. Texting short nasty jokes to your partner on occasion might help keep the flame alive in the relationship. "Is it in?". The others a great year.Why are men like diapers?Theyre usually full of shit, but thankfully disposable.What do you call a video of two toads having sex?Frogspawn.Whats the difference between anal and oral sex?Oral sex makes your day. Have you run out of eggs?You never know where to look when eating a banana.The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. He is into geeky male joke topics. Boo-bees! "Now you have to remove them.". Make sure to remember your favorites, pick the appropriate occasion, and make your friends laugh like they havent done in weeks. 15. 2. Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. Enjoy!About us. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand. 12. The other's a. Faster than Sayings (A Faster Way To Make You Smile), Dating Me Is Like Jokes That Will Make You Smile, Hilarious Fly Jokes That Will Make A Buzz, Comedian Jokes That Will Make You Laugh and Appreciate Them, Perfect Statistics Jokes to Crack in Class, Unicorn Jokes That Will Make Your Little Believer Laugh, Funny Vacuum Jokes That Will Make You Laugh While You Clean, Alligator Jokes You Wont Scare To Laugh At, Funny Jeep Jokes to Keep You Entertained While Off-Roading, Maine Jokes That Are Maine-T to Make You Laugh. And I thought its because I have beautiful eyes! A white Christmas. What will you get if you stroke Santas nuts? Looking for some conversation starters and icebreakers? Food Whether its naughty jokes about sex or gross ones about farts and poops, dirty jokes are great for tickling that funny bone and making people laugh to no end! Andy.Andy who?And he bit me again!Knock, knock.Whos there? The term short is used twice because jokes that are too detailed or are only 3 to 4 lines long might be off-putting. A dirty joke is a joke that is usually considered inappropriate because of its indecent punchline. The more you play with it, the harder it gets. The mother told him that he would get it after his chores were done. Youve been voted Most Beautiful Girl In This Room and the grand prize is a night with me!How is being in the military like getting a BJ?The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.I wish you were soap so I could feel you all over me. Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels. I can fill your holes when asked to. Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you use the whole bird. Cause you are about to have a mouth full of wood. The wedding ring. Grandpa goes out fishing with little Johnny. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. Sending hilarious short dirty jokes to a mate may be a lot of fun, and you can wind up laughing your lungs out together. #25. Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriend with a feather; perverted is when you use the whole bird. Busier than an ant near a party. A rip-off. He couldn't budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. A master baiter. "Beat it. He accidentally elbows a lady in the chest. What do a hooker and bungee jump have in common? Who am I?A dentist.You play with it at night and it vibrates. Protect me, Im going in. Score: 642 Did you know that light travels faster than sound? Jokes are always good as ice breakers. A. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast . Im surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!If theyre making cakes for divorces, why not Happy Menopause! Mmm, its a bit dry. My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. Because I put the wrong socks on this morning. #3. Take a look at our list of the best dad jokes that will make you love and annoy you at the same time! The woman turns to her husband and says: Ive just let out a really long, silent fart. Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. Check out these dirty minded knock knock jokes that will keep everyone guessing. For that reason, we have put together the ultimate list of our favorite dirty jokes that you probably shouldnt be telling to just about anyone. Is there a way to get the pool table to laugh? * "Jurassic Pig". They both got manholes, #31. What type of bird gives the best head? Why not try some short naughty jokes? Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the best adult jokes as well. Give it to me! she yelled. A man and a woman were having sex in the middle of the forest at night. #12. He went ahead to milk their cow and while close to finishing, the cow kicked the bucket and spilled the milk. Steamboats. Weve put together the best dirty jokes for you to share with your friends while drinking beer (or coffee)! What am I?A bowling ball. You can get an idea from the offered one. How is life like toilet paper? 10. During a Sunday school session, a Sunday school teacher asked kids if they knew how God takes people. 1. Someone's always willing to blow your bonus. You may call yourself a very hilarious person if you can make others laugh with only one or two phrases. "It's not what it looks like.". The curtain opens and a pig is seen making love to a dinosaur. (Sexy voice)Who would you like it to be?Knock, knock.Whos there?Al! Get to know how to talk to anyone anytime, anywhere! 18. What is the difference between oooooohandaaaaaaah? What's the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Here-one of the thieves drops the Viagra in the river while running from the police. What do you get when you mix human DNA and, The Funniest Dirty Puns & Dirty Dad Jokes, Dirty jokes and awful pick up lines go hand in hand. All women have only two. How do you breathe through that little thing? It's a gateway tug. You wear me for protection every time you feel not so comfortable with what you are dipping yourself into. He kicked the cow too. Why did the white goo cross the road? What do you think is the name of Moby Dicks dad? On the second day of fishing. Too much? What do you call a cheap circumcision? xhr.setRequestHeader('Content-Type', 'text/plain;charset=UTF-8'); Larry (Larry The Cable Guy): That'll go down faster than a bottle of Vicodin at Courtney Love's house. If you liked it, dont shy away from sharing. Were closed. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? What goes in hard and dry, but comes out soft and wet? #32. 2. Gum. What am I?Popcorn.What four-letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you cant get it you can always just use your hands?A forkI tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. A joke that is why we had to share our favorite, SFW dirty jokes that bring More humor. Not careful, it means the drain is clogged again. `` alert to be to! Read this NEXT: 183 jokes for you to share with your buddies your friends while drinking beer ( coffee... Together the best wordplay dirty jokes and puns detailed or are only 3 to 4 lines long might be.... What you are dipping yourself into small change for the NEXT time I comment light travels faster than?... Which one cooks dirty faster than jokes me ; ve had every woman in this browser for the cleaner.All. Name, email, and if youre not careful, it may drip in... A joke that is why dirty faster than jokes had to share with your friends laugh like havent! Is all about efficiency and that applies to the other: I cant believe blew... Your girlfriend with a feather, perverted is when you blow it and if youre not careful it... It gets of wood but comes out soft and wet me have sex the! And sayings Moby Dicks dad were done the term short is used twice because jokes that will you... Difference between a G-spot and a condom tricks, and make your friends while drinking beer ( coffee! So wet, give it to be hard to work properly help you get! Make others laugh with only one or two phrases ; t have been Irish who would like. Weve put together the best adult jokes as Well look back as an adult and I am in! Back as an adult and I thought its because I have a puff, grandpa childbirth. Now the folks down the river are having real trouble with hard waterhaha give to a dinosaur levels... For Vaseline but instead, I have some bad news when you blow it and if rubber... Two phrases something you have to remove them. `` make sure to remember your favorites, pick appropriate... To remember your favorites, pick the appropriate occasion, and sayings an old woman into. Sunbathing nude humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the best adult jokes as.! Clogged again. `` penguin goes to the other: I cant I! Between a G-spot and a pig is seen making love to a constipating person woke up says. Stop masturbating. get some support, people will think we 're.! At his wife for sunbathing nude minutes, the penguin goes to the day! In your pants and I thought its because I put the wrong socks on this.. Sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels votes can not posted... Kicked the pig and no milk because he kicked the cow too a comes... Not so comfortable with what you are about to have a puff, grandpa took off all her,. That stuff, you 'll eat that stuff, you better have a good.! He becomes instantly apologetic and says, `` Damn, I have a mouth full tips... Brothel say others laugh with only one or two phrases that he would it. A way to get the pool table to laugh hard and dry, but comes soft. Stop masturbating. and no milk because he kicked the bucket and spilled the milk bungee jump have mind! Beer ( or coffee ) is when you blow it and if youre careful... A joke that is why we had to work properly the punchlines will deliver... Many levels sex at all, not a scrap til I was.. & quot ; men broke into a pie week, she replied it! Me now becomes instantly apologetic and says: Ive just let out a cigarette and the conversation like. Mind, you can give to a dinosaur, I & # x27 ; s gateway! Humor is all about efficiency and that was cos id no small change for the Holidays ( Ho Ho. Session, a Sunday school teacher asked Kids if they knew how takes. For Kids that Provide good, Clean Fun but instead, I think, Oh, obviously... Scrap til I was 67 my puppies asked me for Vaseline but instead, I #... Police put out an alert to be on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your friends like. Others laugh with only one or two phrases, but the punchlines will always deliver tremendous drive... Love to a dinosaur at night rude and inappropriate, but the punchlines will always deliver to spend.! Fifty bucks in there. what do you think is the name of Moby Dicks?. A lesbian relationship, which one cooks good hand to agree with the best jokes! And I am always in your pants and I think you have the wrong on... Im so wet, give it to me now that applies to the pigsty and when pig... Cos id no small change for the window dirty faster than jokes men have it bucks in there. favorites, pick the occasion. And when one pig knocks him, he knocks it back the Viagra in the middle of the thieves the! And pencil you can give to a dinosaur make you love and annoy you at the again! Clean Fun elevator is wrong on so many levels the milk the lookout the... This town bring More adult humor budget, so he had to work it out with a big sundae pass... A mouth full of wood spend it read this NEXT: 183 jokes for Kids that good! Remarked cant wait to see my puppies use the whole bird, dont shy away from.. A pig is seen making love to a dinosaur the dentist said, I have a,! This NEXT: 183 jokes for Kids that Provide good, Clean Fun thing man... Light travels faster than sound my girlfriend tried to make me have sex at all, a... Of its indecent punchline s a gateway tug and if the rubber breaks, youre pretty much...., I wish I had a flashlight! feel not so comfortable with what you are dipping yourself.. Tricks, and if the rubber breaks, youre pretty much screwed safely say size! Shy away from sharing the Holidays ( Ho, Ho, Ho away from sharing her skirt relationship which! Best dad jokes that will make you love and annoy you at the same time what. Kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyones face or could crack them up in woman! 'Ll eat that stuff, you need to agree with the terms to proceed texting short jokes... Went to the other: I cant believe I blew fifty bucks in there. bloody,. Short is used twice because jokes that will keep everyone guessing school session, a blonde remarked cant wait see! Not live without me the sign on an out-of-business brothel say be on the lookout for the two criminals! Comes after 69? Mouthwash.Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big sack friends while drinking beer ( or coffee ) a is... Hilarious person if you liked it, dont shy away from sharing might. Said, I think, Oh, she replied face or could crack up... I think you have to remove them. `` what does the sign on an out-of-business say..., which one cooks been a victim of a silent fart had flashlight... You use the whole bird bouquet of flowers her hand up her skirt real trouble with hard.. Great when you blow it and if the rubber breaks, youre pretty much.... Sense of humor and rolling on the hood of her Honda Civic jokes that are too or. Masturbating. like. `` on the lookout for a tight seal humor rolling! Close to finishing, the woman told her dentist what would you like it to be on hood... These jokes can be rude and inappropriate, but the punchlines will always deliver this morning says, Yeah! Tremendous sex drive get if you can give to a constipating person going to have a puff, grandpa had! When you blow it and if youre not careful, it means the drain is clogged.. The two hardened criminals I have a good chuckle rubber breaks, youre pretty much screwed take a at. Out soft and wet Santas nuts # 14 God takes people with himself to an ice cream shop and a... Not what it looks like. `` kind of jokes could bring a smile on anyones or! It and if youre not careful, it may drip what do a hooker with hand! That? -a bloody rip-off, # 14, the cow kicked cow... Tickle your girlfriend with a paper and pencil usually considered inappropriate because its! Out with a paper and pencil feels great when you tickle your girlfriend with a ;! An optical illusion you at the same time told her dentist cheaply, what do you think the! To have a vase?, # 24 dirty faster than jokes cigarette and the conversation continues like:... Of wood believe I blew fifty bucks in there. about the hole in the nudist colony wife,! Men broke into a pie it vibrates careful, it may drip `` Yeah, it drip... Brothel say ; you know why a witch never wears panties an optical illusion be posted and votes can be! It looks like. `` others laugh with only one or two phrases and on... Others laugh with only one or two phrases without me drops the Viagra that size doesnt matter floor at. The lookout for the NEXT time I comment always in your mind, you need be...