Is there something about your relationship that you think could scare her from talking to you about her sexuality? And youll have to actually mean it. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.. Dear Care and Feeding, In the meantime, when Daisy confides in you about her mothers awfulness, can you bring yourself to say, Im so sorry that happened. Maybe theyll decide to try couples counseling. I have read her many picture books and have had many candid conversations with her about death, but I really want her to see the grieving process up close. Hes been sneaky about it too, suggesting names like Isabelle and Eleanor, before suggesting we give them the nicknames Belle and Elle. In this case our fundamental philosophies for picking names are different and neither of us are willing to compromise. And you didnt do that. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear Care and Feeding, Have a question for Care and Feeding? If Daisy is indeed being abused, however, Im not sure that you are the right person to be helping her attain and employ those tools. How can I support Slate so I can keep reading all the advice from Dear Prudence, Care and Feeding, Ask a Teacher, and How to Do It? There is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid receiving innocuous compliments about her good looks, because positive reinforcement of any kind usually yields positive results. We received pitying text messages and notes of condolence. Ive read about how to support children with emotionally abusive parents, and all the experts recommend giving the child tools to handle it and encouraging a relationship with the parent until the child turns 18. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. The baby fought a bit and ended up having only half of his first bottle. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. In the meantime, I wish you fortitude. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. It will be! Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. slate advice columns care and feeding; July 13, 2022. slate advice columns care and feeding. And everyone I know with grown kids seems to have much more frequent contact with them. Let them know that you can see how unhappy their marriage is (you can offer chapter and verse), that its making you miserable to be living in the midst of it, and that you want them to know that you would be happier and overall much better off if they separated. She is leaning toward the private school. However, I still find it alarming. (Questions may be edited for publication.). If you determine through therapy that she is of sound mind, then at least your mind will be at ease, too. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. I paid for him to obtain a six-month programming certification and am guiding him through next steps to begin a professional career. Shes had obvious crushes on people of all sorts throughout her life, from her buff neighbor, captain of her schools mens hockey team, to her eye doctors female receptionist intern to her best friends older brother. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. Ft. 538 Old Greenfield Rd, Peterborough, NH 03458. I try to maintain a neutral, kind tone when I respond, though I admit the requests are making me uncomfortable. "The other portals are of ebony. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. But recently her mother has repeatedly declared that our kid, her first (and likely only) grandchild will use the word from my native language that we use for grandma, along with her name (i.e., Grandma X). The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. I think your depression is casting a shadow over everything and will continue to until you get the help you need and deserve. Weve told our son to get rid of that whole section of the answer because his prospective employers do not need to know that much about his personal life. My personal favorite: My 3-Year-Old Keeps Complimenting Me on My White Skin [December 1, 2020] Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. Have a question for Care and Feeding? His reaction to her discipline is to escalate his upset behavior. As for how you build and nourish a good, happy life for your children, youre already working on that. This should ideally be a conversation, not a lecture or an argument. 3 Beds. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). Photo by Getty Images Plus. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. Have a question for Care and Feeding? The court in which we watch the jousting is floored with onyx in order to increase the courage of the combatants. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. And as you know (because youre on your third kid now), its just going to be a work in progress. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? I have a good relationship with both kids, who are now teenagers, and I know that they take most of what their mom says with a big grain of salt. Photo illustration by Slate. When we spend so much of our time online, we're bound to learn something while clicking and scrolling . Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. Ive successfully raised two kids of my ownI know how to take proper care of a baby. How online advice columns teach us to tell our own stories. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Sometimes, this is great (hes really into Raina Telgemeier). Its also time to do some reflecting about your relationship with your daughter. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. Care and Feeding Care and Feeding is Slate's Your baby is HUGE!. Dont make it your problem. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Guess what? I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! The point is that this wasnt your call to make. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Their parents have always allowed this now 45-year-old woman to act and talk this way. I know what you may wish for most of all is for someone to tell you that your daughter will be OKthere were months, years, when that was all I wanted too, until I realized that anyones definition of OK is always unique, complex, and highly subjective (my own definition has certainly shifted and evolved a great deal). The fact remains that the onus falls upon your dad to get his life in order, and if you can convince him to do that, then everything actually will be OK. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. Its easy to blame everything on my SIL, but this dynamic is clearly her parents doing. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. - Slate November 7, 2022 by Schools Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Sins are forgiven by God all the time, so long as you're ready to repent and be a changed person. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. During the pandemic,. It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Why would any rational parent put their children through something like that just because he thinks it would be cute? My stepbrothers are 9 (twins), and my half-sisters are 6 and 4. I think you do have to get back into therapy. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Its time for this man to do the same. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? If he responds in anger, then you can use that as a real life example of what youre referring to in the hope that hell have some self-awareness. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. My younger siblings friends have dads who are in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! Photo by Getty Images Plus. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Otherwise, I think, you can say goodbye to that plan. Or (for all you know) they have, to no avail. Dear Care and Feeding, Our local library has a teen volunteer program, where high school students come and help shelve books and lead children's activities and story time. The other is a private college 45 minutes away. I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? I change diapers, cook for 3.5 people, clean house, constantly pick up clutter, babysit, shop for, and well, you name it. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. They can see the difference between their family and their friends families. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. Now I usually say, Thanks! I apologize for second-guessingI am, after all, an outsider!but everything you report is something youve been told by a 14-year-old; youve reported nothing youve observed directly. Additionally, the 1930s house was expanded and modified by great grandpa and many things are strange, not to code, and hard to maintain. Keeping in mind the immense guilt I would feel for sending them down the street. I dont see that I did anything wrong, but should I apologize to her just to smooth things over? Dont let your own regrets push you into a role as her adversary, and dont assume that what she wants must perfectly align with what you wanted or now wish youd had at her age. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Example: They are teaching students to do math a certain way, but he can do it in his head, so Whats the point of doing it like that if I can just do it and get the right answer my way? Same thing with spelling. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? Should I talk to him about it even if my daughter doesnt come out to us in the near future? All rights reserved. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. To be honest, I cant tell for sure. The collection features some of the most. When will it end? When a partner is severely depressed: Parenting advice from Care and Feeding. Ive always been of the mind that regardless of whatever bad feelings there are between me and my ex, it is in our kids best interests to maintain a relationship with both parents. I cant say exactly what will feel right for you, what will allow you to move forward without denying your feelings or your fears. Here's the lowdown But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. ); some people have contact sporadically. You cant do anything about that now, so you want to make sure your daughters experience is different. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. If he asks you to put on a pair of gloves, dont worry so much about being neutral. Just say I dont want to/need to put on gloves right now and go about your business. Photo by SvetaOrlova/iStock/Getty Images Plus. Hes always been a little bit behind (within normal parameters) for self-regulating and similar skills, but hes not regressed too much. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. She should be intrinsically motivated to do whatever it takes to provide for her family and live on her own as someone who has been an adult for 17 years. My own family lives on the other side of the continent (in Canada) and my parents speak little English. I will pay the deductible. John has always struggled to settle on one career (he tends to job-hop a bit) and with the pandemic, he's struggled. My daughter, the 35-year-old, suffers from a personality disorder which I think causes her to disagree with everything I say and do. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. (Questions may be edited for publication.). You do not know bestnot when it comes to someone elses child. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. Any kind of gloves: winter gloves, rubber gloves, gardening gloves, moisturizing gloves. (Im not saying this is fair. Im just saying they may be doing the best they can under very difficult circumstances. This is nothing at all to feel bad about, either. Theres an endless list of alternatives for names that should satisfy both of you, and you need to do whatever it takes to find them. Submit it hereor post it in theSlate Parenting Facebook group. Her mom has 50/50 custody, but Daisy mostly refuses to go on her visits to her. Im pretty sure I am overreacting, but I still dont know if I should discourage him or not. He is generally happy, though definitely not an easygoing child. It also seems to me important to point out that if Daisys mother and father have joint custody, the time she spends with her mother is not visiting. Daisy has two homes. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. In other words, I am basically pigeonholed, by default, into all duties as a parent, but with none of the say. This is something that should be shared on her terms and nobody elses. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Advice Column Collection. Every day that you take care of your family and love them and worry for them and get silly with them, youll be doing it, bit by bit. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. One example included helping his younger sister, who he described as pansexual, deal with a crush on a female classmate, and how that helped him in his relationship with his girlfriend. Ill wait. Is that enough though? All rights reserved. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. The great grandparents were hoarders so her family (me and others) helped them fill something like 12 roll off dumpsters with stuff. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. For our sons second birthday, he got $200.) My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. I dont know how close you are to your stepmom, but I would suggest enlisting her when you speak with your dad. You know the saying that you can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink? Curated by J. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. Dear Care and Feeding, My brother "John" and his wife have three children. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. She voices every thought that comes into her head, including telling my husband and me what to do with our child, despite being childless herself. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? I dont have any resentment but I do have a lot of hard knocks now. The last visit involved insults to Daisys new clothes (which we picked out specifically to impress her mom), insults to Daisys father, and then the declaration that Daisy was only upset because she was PMSing. Uh, No Thanks. January 30, 2021, 7:00 AM. ), From this weeks letter,Ive Had It With Other Peoples Comments About My Baby: Well-intentioned friends make comments like, Wow! I hate watching these new or expectant mothers accepting congratulations, hugs, and well wishes. If your husband doesnt like to talk about it, you may never know. Kids are adaptable, and speaking from experience, I honestly cant even remember what it was like as an 11-year-old when I moved from Massachusetts to North Carolina, back to Massachusetts in the span of 18 months. What should I do? Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. Im always glad to hear from you, and leave it at that. No one is going to go to a therapist just because I dont care for this dynamic. Is it time for me to back off and just let her do whatever she wants? All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Go find your husband and make sure hes sitting down with you while you read this. As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. Ask our columnists a question here! And thats not easy. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. He has a temper that he cant control and will not do anything about it. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. Dear Care and Feeding, My 33-year-old sister has two daughters (10 and 8) and is in a dead marriage. And as time passes and your son gets older, you can make a decision about whether he needs to be excluded from these visits too.). At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. I am 100 percent certain that this dynamic existed long before you entered the family. But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. I cant speak to your relationship with your husband because youve said little about it. I regret never having the college experience, having gone to school at night while I worked, and I really want our daughter to live on campus, whichever school she chooses. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. You have to use headphones.". Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. The other day I put onDaniel Tigerfor him and he said, I dont want to watch that f*ing sh*t. Help me! Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. At age 64, and now with a 5-year-old and a 3-month-old, you guessed it, Im now a dad more so than ever. I can say this honestly and without bias. But when Daisy asks me why she should continue to try to have a relationship with this awful woman, I just want to tell her to stay far away from her. Hopefully that will be the case with your dad as well. Dear Care and. Id also find out more about why shes considering commuting to collegeshe must have her reasons, and maybe some of those are reasons you could try to understand and respect, even if you still dont agree. One is a state college 30 minutes away. I cant stand to read baby announcements. But I think it is for the wrong reasons. countries. Or Scotch tape. Except that in reality, I am now fulfilling the role of a father of three! I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. I remember it as if it happened yesterday: Having multiple people approach me at once to tell me to get my life together when I was dealing with a drinking problem and untreated depression is what ultimately saved me. Ive requested we go to mediation but she flat-out refuses. Your family will not be invisible to such people either, and I hope you come across many more of them.

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